The Book of Chef La La Foutaise: In Which Haggis Sends Him to Despair (Because I checked the sauce and this one hasn’t been done yet, I think.)
“Let me at him!” The crude request came from Haggis, who could bear the competition no longer. It was the early days of what anthropologists call “the foodie revolution” and flocks of Haggis’ followers were fleeing his culinary Highlands for the warmer climes of Italy and the new spaghetti dish made famous by Chef La La Foutaise. Haggis was pissed about it, he’d kept tummies full for centuries and this young pasta upstart threatened his existence. He thus traveled the saucy road himself to present his case to The Flying Spaghetti Monster. How awkward did the dull northern god seem against the glistening tentacles of His Noodly Appendage!
“Fine.” Shouted an irritated, booming voice from somewhere between two giant meatballs and a glob of wet noodles, “Have at him, but you are forbidden to end his life. He’ll do that himself with a slow death of cholesterol plaque, so keep your mitts off. His kitchen is open game, so is his herb garden. Do what you must and may the chips fall where they may. You will find, however, that my dear Chef is loyal under the most trying circumstances, pasta is his life. I have faith in this human.”
Haggis left the company of His Noodly Appendage with hope. If he could dethrone the Chef once and for all he just might be able to remain King of Comfort Food.
His first stop was the Chef’s herb garden. Trample, tromple, tromp. Each tender leaf of basil and oregano was methodically bruised and destroyed. There would be no seasoning in the Chef’s sauce. Our hero did despair as hard as any and verily his sobbing was heard up and down his block as he plucked dried herbs from his pantry and sacrilegiously added them to his fresh tomato sauce. Yet he did prepare the most scrumptious of delights that evening, and to the Holy Trinity of Pasta, Meatballs, and Sauce, our Chef humbly gave thanks, as well as giving himself a pat on the back for having the forethought to save some of last year’s herb crop.
Seeing that his adversary was undaunted, our bloated villain Haggis took things to a whole ‘nother level. He destroyed the tomato and garlic crops.
Oh the wailing! Oh the complaints! Oh the interesting swear words that were invented the moment our Chef did see that some master of maleficence had visited his favorite garden! “How?” he whined, “How does one make a spaghetti sauce without fresh garlic and tomatoes? I simply must cancel my dinner party this evening for I cannot make do in these conditions.”
The Chef was a mess. The dinner party he planned that night was greatly anticipated among his neighbors; they all looked forward to a meal at the Chef’s house. The food, the ambiance, the company, and the pleasing demeanor of the Chef himself had earned a reputation in the village. To cancel would bring the wrath of his neighbors upon him, and he saw what they did when the cable company blacked out the local football game. Let’s just say the cable company changed its mind. He would find a way.
Once the initial shock of losing his freshness wore off, the Chef set about to improvise. “Ragu it is!” he declared, “But it will be MY version of Ragu, I certainly don’t trust the people at Kraft.” The challenged Chef unsealed the jar and upon a first whiff of cold sauce, he declared again, “How people can use this stuff on a regular basis is beyond me.” Without so much as a prayer to His Holiness – it wasn’t needed, the Chef knew exactly what to do in this circumstance – our underdog added and stirred and tasted and added and stirred again. By the time he was done, the jar of Ragu had been transformed into a culinary miracle: one could discern the delicate balance between oregano and honey, one could taste a hint of white wine, one could almost imagine that fresh garlic had been added when in reality it was dried. Once combined with the homemade pasta, the Chef’s guests could tell no difference and praised his talents generously. The more wine the Chef served, the praisier his guests became. He kept their glasses full, gave thanks to The Flying Spaghetti Monster for the fruit of the vine, and congratulated himself on his che’effing genius.
While the guests woke up to hangovers and our Chef woke up to dirty dishes, the mighty villain Haggis woke up to disgrace; he thought for sure the Chef would give up without fresh tomatoes for his sauce but he found out the dodgy bastard managed to slide right through the difficulty and please his guests anyway. Haggis thought long and hard. If he wasn’t successful at sabotaging the sauce, then the noodles were next. Consequently and methodically, every jar of olive oil in the village was rendered rancid, every bag of flour was riddled with weevils, every hen was sedated so she couldn’t lay eggs. “Game on Chef!” Haggis did squeal from the top of a sheep shed, “Let’s see you make a pasta dish NOW!” Haggis was quite pleased with his work and demonstrated it through his taunting techniques, “What’ll you do, huh? Try some soy flour and almond oil and substitute applesauce for the eggs? Ha! I’d like to see that!”
I wish I could say that the Chef was gracious under these trying circumstances but really he lost his manners and all regard for societal protocol. He wandered from house to house, didn’t even bother to knock before entering, and ravaged each pantry for fresh staples, leaving a wreck behind. Haggis did his work well though, and the Chef was left with nothing, not-a-thing with which to make his soft, tender noodles. Despair tore at his soul while his own hands tore at his apron and he ran around the village square with a repetitive wail, “What will I do now!” His neighbors did close their doors, their windows, and their curtains in order to leave the Chef to his misery. Behold! It wasn’t a pretty sight.
The Flying Spaghetti Monster looked upon this frail human with pity. Verily He wanted to rescue this small soul and tell him that it was okay, that the Chef was just caught in the middle of an infinite battle between Himself and that prick Haggis, that his reaction will affect future generations in no way whatsoever. But it was against all Colandrial consideration to breech the veil between god and man, so His Noodly Appendage did what most gods do in times such as these: He invested in industrial strength ear plugs to block the Chef’s whining, and left him to his own devices by going on holiday to Vietnam where there was a new restaurant opening that He wanted to try – bring on the pho and bon appetit!
Feeling abandon by his god as he really was, our Chef did abruptly end his pity party and set to work to overcome his obstacles. If he could manage to transform a jar of Ragu into a tasty dish, then by god he could manage to make some sort of pasta. He suddenly became a man who considered his options. As he studied the contents of his pantry, a small light flickered in the hopeless dark of the Chef’s culinary nightmare – he would triumph. He closed up the house so his nosy neighbors were prevented from spying, and he set about to do what no Italian had done previously – make a pasta dish without pasta.
Haggis watched his victim squirm and he himself became prematurely giddy with delight when he saw the Chef had boarded up his windows. “Ha! I’ve done it, I’ve won! The Chef has shut himself up to wither away. I will remain king of Comfort Food!” He then went off to Germany for the night because he developed a thing for sausage while staying on the continent.
Haggis returned the next morning to find the Chef in a state of half-drunk, half-hungover happy delirium. He had triumphed where none could even face such an obstacle and served his village the most sumptuous dish of first gnocchi. While Haggis had indeed ruined every flour bin in the neighborhood, there were potatoes that could be put to use along with some butter (gasp!), and a solitary egg from a hen that the Chef shook and dangled so that gravity itself forced the production of a singular, white, oblong cache of culinary glue. By mixing them together and using a jar of Ragu white sauce this time (which, of course, he modified with his own touch as aforementioned), Chef La La Foutaise managed to invent a most wonderful addition to the Italian menu. The international food landscape was permanently altered.
Never in the history of the gods had one imaginary being been so dejected, so utterly defeated. Haggis bowed his head, hunched his shoulders, and took his paunchy sausage belly back to the highlands where it belonged. He pouted the entire way.
“Something wrong?” The Flying Spaghetti Monster inquired of Haggis,
whom he bumped into upon returning from the most phenomenal pho he had ever tasted. He knew the answer of course, the FSM is after all, omniscient about all things Chef-y, but he wanted to watch Haggis squirm in his loss. Our Breaded Entity is not above gloating.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Haggis was a broody bitch.
“I heard through the grapevine that something called ‘gnocchi’ has been invented. That wouldn’t be our Chef La La would it?” The FSM failed at hiding his smile. The Chef had surprised even the Holy Noodly Appendage and the latter was most amused over the entire circumstance, He couldn’t wait to try a fresh batch of gnocchi for Himself.
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Haggis really was a sore loser.
“I can’t blame you there. But I can say that I did warn you. My Chef is a solid homie through and through. Pasta, uh, always finds a way.” The FSM did disengage Himself from the cruel northern entity and floated merrily on His way towards the boot-like peninsula where He did give His seal of holy approval to the new menu addition with a mighty “Argh!”
Verily, Haggis learned his lesson. He never ventured from the highlands again and by-the-by he came to find a quiet pleasure in the small following that he retained in spite of noodles and gnocchi. We should all be aware of the same lesson Haggis took from the incident however: The Flying Spaghetti Monster will always be more interested in new Vietnamese restaurants than He is in His own congregation.